It’s Okay Not to Be Okay

Let’s start validating the range of emotions someone might experience during pregnancy, okay?

Many people experience a range of emotions when they have a child that takes them by surprise. After trying to conceive for a long time, sometimes experiencing painful losses along the way, your emotions can justifiably be all over the map. You might feel like you've lost yourself in the process of trying to expand your family. Been there, done that. Or maybe you’re finding it hard to separate your identity from that of your newborn now that they’re here. Super common, I've been there too. Some people miss the independent, carefree life they had before and feel like it’s gone forever. Yep. I've experienced that too, Friend.

No one expects you to be a perfectly poised, expert version of yourself now that you're a mom or a dad. You'll grow into your new role, we all do. Be honest with yourself in the process and invite others along the journey with you. Isolation can lead to some pretty dark places. Don't go through all of this on your own.

Here, in no particular order, are just a few things you might experience after your child is born. The change in what you’re thinking/feeling can change within the blink of an eye sometimes. The postpartum period is a LOT. It's really easy to get too much into your own mind and begin to spiral out of control. Read through this list and take some comfort in the fact that if it was “only” you who experienced these things, professionals like me wouldn’t have anything to write about.

Unhappiness. Some might describe it as depression, some might say it feels more like a gray cloud blocking out any happy rays of the sun. Whatever word you choose, experiencing unhappiness after your child arrives is okay, especially within the first two weeks after birth. If your unhappiness becomes overwhelming or scary to you, please seek professional help. There are many options available to help you feel some joy and more like yourself again.

Disappointment. Pregnancy, labor, delivery, and/or postpartum isn’t how you thought it would be. There are things you wish people would’ve been more transparent about ahead of time. Disappointed in the temperament of your child, your postpartum body, the disconnect between you and your partner, or the isolation you feel from the outside world? All valid, all so common, and all are okay. Really.

Anxiety. You heard people say that once you become a parent you truly learn what love is. Why didn’t those same people also tell you that such deep love can also cause deep anxiety? Are they breathing? Did they get enough to eat? Is the temperature in here okay? Can they sense my stress? I’m not doing this right. Why aren’t I doing this right? The list goes on and on. So much of the strain that I see in brand-new parents is rooted in anxiety. You have to try and let that stu go. And what you can’t let go of, let someone help you carry. It really does take a village to raise a child. Let people help!

Jealousy. Does it feel like all of your friends are living their best lives while you’re covered in spit-up? You have bags under your eyes and can’t remember what day it is, but your neighbor seemed so put together after their baby was born. Are you easily distracted by those on social media who make it look like postpartum is all cupcakes and rainbows? Your partner leaves the house daily, interacts with adult coworkers, wears nice clothes, and leaves you home with a baby you don’t understand, a body you don’t recognize, and a house that looks like Buy Buy Baby set up shop in it? YEP. Try not to sit in this space for too long but instead, voice your frustrations with those around you, ask for help, and take time out for yourself. Sometimes stepping away from your new reality can be the reset you need to see your situation with fresh eyes.

Guilt. It’s easy to go down the list of shoulds. You should be thankful, you should not complain, you should clean up more, you should make more of an effort with your appearance, and you should work on tummy time with your baby. Don’t do that. It’s never a good idea to should on yourself. Confused about why you’re feeling guilty? I’ve been there, too. It's exhausting, infuriating, and at times, so isolating. I hear you, New Parent. I hear you. You’re figuring out this new parenting thing just like the rest of us. Show yourself some grace. You will mess up a lot along the way. Join the club!

Flat. You were expecting to be flooded with lovey-dovey oxytocin once you saw your baby’s face, but you didn’t. You feel kind of numb and disconnected from this little one. It happens. You aren’t broken. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’ve been through a lot. Maybe you’re subconsciously distancing yourself from the baby because you’re afraid of more heartache and loss if you let yourself get too close. Who could blame you? Maybe you feel poorly after the physical and mental feat you just endured to bring your babe earthside. It makes a lot of sense that your bond with your baby might be delayed until you’re feeling more like yourself. Be kind to yourself, your baby, and this process. Don’t bottle these thoughts inside. It’s common to feel afraid of saying some of these things aloud because you don't want to seem ____ (fill in the blank with whatever resonates most with you). I get that too. Cliche as it might sound, there’s great power in voicing some negative thoughts or beliefs and then feeling released from it because you’re not carrying it on your own anymore.

Alright. Now pause and take a couple of long, deep breaths with me. Inhale slowly through your nose, breathe out slowly through your mouth. And repeat.
You're okay.
You're not alone.

You aren't a bad person.
Allow yourself the time and space to feel the fluctuation of emotions of all that you've been through trying to bring this baby into the world.
Recognize the sacrifices you’ve made, the expectations that are far from anything you ever had in mind, the dreams that shattered time and again.
Now acknowledge all that has changed as a result of the existence of your new baby.
Take a few more deep, slow breaths.
You’ve got this.

Make this your mantra, New Parent. Write it down and place it in a spot that you’ll see often. Marinate on this until it sinks in and you believe it.

It really is okay to not be okay.

If you ever have mental or emotional issues that concern you or those around you, please seek out help. Find a therapist, contact your primary care provider or the provider who assisted in the delivery of your child. No one is meant to figure all of this out alone. There is such strength in showing when you might feel weak. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI website is: https://nami.org/home You can call their helpline at 1-800-950-6264 or if you’re in a crisis, text “NAMI” to 741-741.